tired thoughts

i forgot to post yesterday! so busy and tired. oh yeah, we had a bedbug scare so that occupied my mental space. we didn‘t get to bed until 4am and had to switch to a new room instead of our little two-person cabin. so it‘s not particularly surprising that i forgot to sit down and write a blogpost. it‘s past 12:30am now and i only just remembered i haven‘t written today either. i almost skipped again today, but my boyfriend—nay, MY FIANCÉ! said i could just write it on my phone. he‘s so smart and reasonable and hot. so here i am writing on my phone! avoidance compounds so quickly; i don‘t want to fall out of the habit. i‘ve been quite proud of myself for sticking with it so far. so i‘ll at least publish this little blurb! better posted than not. good night! 

we're engaged!

 

photo by duderichy

lifting weights at the arctic ocean and other highlights of the day

we woke up in our perfect little two-person cabin to snow blistering all around us, while we lazed in our warm bed with windows all around. the cabin is so tiny that i resolved to unpack and organize our belongings in a reasonably efficient way, or else we would spend the entire stay overrun with our luggage and clothing. the before and after was dramatic and satisfying—a lovely gift to future us. 

a couple hours later, we went to the local gym, which was surprisingly robust for a remote village of a thousand people. they had a swimming pool, basketball court, hot tub, and sauna, in addition to the weight room. and the view! it was located right on the coast, with treadmills right in front of the giant windows that showed dark arctic waters and a few mountains beyond. five of us had come together to work out, two of whom ended up spending the session as my boyfriend's newest gym protégés. it was helpful and inspiring to see their form improve so much so quickly under his direction. it was also heartwarming to see how much they also enjoyed his coaching. another highlight of the gym excursion: since my boyfriend was teaching others, i ended up moving on to my own exercises, self-directed this time, as opposed to boyfriend-guided like every other time. i felt confident and comfortable executing my bench press protocol, but i felt like i floundered when i did my deadlift. even so, it felt good to run through it all on my own; when he's available, i tend to lean on my boyfriend's eye rather than my own proprioception in evaluating my form. 

after dinner—we were on cooking duty—we were pleasantly exhausted and hopped right in the sauna, then into the big giant hot-tub that's the size of a pool as the snow continued all around us. we got back in the hot tub later when it was near-empty of others, and i floated on my back as my boyfriend's hands supported my gently from underneath. the hot water, gentle support, and willing surrender combined to allow me to relax more fully than i have in recent memory. though my body was submerged including my ears, my face was still above water and thus was gently bombarded with snow flurries as a floated, and a grin never left my face. 

now we're back in our cabin. my boyfriend is sleeping sweetly next to me, as i fight the sleepiness myself to write this post. the snow has finally died down outside. and now i'll go to sleep, too. 

my view as i rested between sets at the gym

tips for seeing the aurora borealis

1. if you're in iceland—or anywhere else the aurora is likely to be—look up. keep your eyes on the sky. you definitely won't see it if you never look up at the sky. 

2. check if the sky is clear; if it's completely cloudy, you likely won't see any aurora, but if there is minimal to moderate cloud coverage, you could still have a shot.

3. if you see anything that looks vaguely weird or cloud-like, investigate further—it could be the beginnings of or low-level aurora. 

4. if you see something potentially interesting, stick with it, don't write it off if it's not immediately spectacular. 

5. if you see something potentially interesting, use your handy-dandy aurora detection device—your cell phone camera. iphone seems to work best. at low levels, it can be seen by your phone even if nothing is visible to the naked eye. pull it out and check at regular intervals. if you seen any spot of color, it could be aurora—stick with it and see what happens. 

6. if the something potentially interesting starts becoming a bit brighter, even if there are no colors visible to the naked eye yet (it might just look like spectre-esque smoke or thin clouds). it changes second to second, minute to minute. it can get much much brighter one second, then dance around the next, then disappear almost completely. 

7. if it's not immediately spectacular, don't get discouraged; or at least don't give up entirely. all aurora events are not equal; the existence of low-level auroras does not mean they are never truly spectacular. 

8. as much as you can, minimize the external light around you. find the darkest spot around and keep your eyes peeled for anything interesting. 

9. read this xkcd comic for more information/inspiration. 

my boyfriend in front of the aurora. the color was not nearly as vibrant in person, but the shape definitely was. we watched it for nearly twenty minutes, and were rewarded with many different shapes and dancing formations, in various levels of brightness. 

a perfect day at the blagoon

how does one do justice to a perfect day? how could i ever describe it in a way that honors how it felt? in these situations i feel most comfortable describing the meta-experience of how i feel about describing the perfect day. but doing that all the time means i am taking the coward's way out. so i guess i will try. 

today was a perfect day, so let's start there. my boyfriend and i arrived in iceland yesterday, and today spent the day at the blue lagoon, a milky blue geothermal pool with mud masks and saunas and steam baths and more.

the blue lagoon is the sort of well-oiled tourist machine that has thought of anything and everything you might need or want during your visit. they had a swimsuit-drying machine about the size of a hand dryer, where you put your swimsuit in and held it closed for ten seconds. they had waterproof phone cases available for purchase so you could have your in-lagoon photoshoot with peace of mind (though i did wonder how often they have to fish someone's phone out of the pool—it's so opaque that if you drop it, good luck recovering it on your own). they have a complimentary mud mask and non-alcoholic beverage included in entry, both to be enjoyed while soaking in the warm geothermal waters. 

one of the most luxurious parts of the experience was the privacy afforded by the ever-rising wafts of steam. there were hundreds of people at the lagoon at the same time as we were, but the steam reduced the visibility so much as to often feel like we had the whole place to ourselves—or at least a five-meter circumference around us. 

there were also so many little nooks and crannies of the lagoon that we had no problem finding our own corner, whether it was alone in the vaguely yonic, half-submerged steam bath or alone in the far end of the supposed-to-be-cell-phone-free area, where we found the smooth, solid lagoon floor give way to yielding goop, before the craggy lava-stone edge of the pool rose away from where we lay. 

my boyfriend is always heart-wrenchingly handsome, but seeing his clear blue eyes against the pale blue milky waters and perfectly brilliant sky, with the sun reflecting on the water and the steam rising around us, i truly could not believe just how beautiful he was. i felt the happiest i've ever been. 

i wrapped myself around him and floated weightlessly in the warm water. i dipped my head back and submerged my hair, which reported makes dry hair drier but oily hair less oily and thin hair less thin—so i took my chances and drenched it, though i had covered it in conditioner and tied it up as instructed. 

as if this wasn't sensory heaven already, i was further delighted when we applied our complimentary mud masks, from two employees inside the pool—rather than at the designed poolside mask bar—wading towards us offering the complimentary mask from a bucket in their hands. 

i spread it on my face, careful to avoid my eyes—i had kept my contacts in, though advised the silica in the pool could be irritating; the warnings had also stated that the silica could damage eyeglasses as well, so i preferred to wear my contacts. though i did spread some on my other body parts too, my face was the only part that stayed on, as i couldn't help but submerge the rest to escape the cold air. 

but the cold air making contact with the mask on my face? that was incredible. entire body submerged from the neck down in calming, steaming water, while the mud dried on my face pulling it pleasantly taut and keeping a constant, refreshing chill all over. 

in between lounging in the water and various steam rooms, we also lounged indoors and both started reading new books. we had hoped there would be a more extensive lounge area indoors—preferably something horizontal—but we made do. i had just finished my first reading of pride and prejudice the day before, and my boyfriend started it now. i started a new swedish book i had brought along on this trip, and hoped it wasn't too hard for me. i got through a few pages, between stopping to look out over the lagoon and asking my boyfriend which part he was at whenever i heard any hint of a reaction to what he was reading. this was to my absolute delight—it was much harder to share my reactions to certain passages before he had read it, as i had to cobble together a preamble of context every time i wanted to share a funny line. 

after we had had our lounging fill, we had dinner at the lava restaurant, which looked out over the lagoon. the restaurant was almost entirely empty, so our reservation would have felt a bit overkill, except that it meant we were seated at the most sought-after view, pictured below, which the website had explicitly stated they could not guarantee. the food was good and the interior aesthetic matched the name—crazy how volcanic a red spotlight over craggly rocks can look. 

our reservation was a bit too early to catch sunset, so we hopped in our rental car and drove somewhere we might be able to see it well. after 10 minutes of a roller-coaster gravel road, we finally made it to a little bright orange lighthouse, with 360-degree gradient views all around us. 

we drove back into the city as the sun made its final goodbye, then walked to meet friends once we had dropped off our stuff where we were staying. it was a colder night than yesterday, and my boyfriend offered for us to take the car over, but i preferred we walk, even if i should have put on another layer. 

walking turned out to be the right choice. as we walked, we started to see vaguely cloudlike formations above us, but much fainter and fickler. the shapes gained a pale greenish hue and formed a line above our heads, as if we were following a path lit by magical faeries. it was the first time my boyfriend had ever seen the aurora borealis, and it was on the most perfect day i could imagine. we skipped and yippeed with glee, and repressed the urge to insist everyone we passed also look up and see it. 

it came and went along our entire walk over, sometimes brighter, sometimes almost gone entirely. once we arrived, half our party had come outside to see it for themselves after i sent a photo in the group chat. some groaned in disappointment, discovering in real time that low-level auroras are best viewed via long-exposure (of only a second or two) phone pictures. 

but give it an hour or two, or even thirty minutes, of just staying in one spot and letting the aurora work her magic, and magic she will indeed give you. it never got intensely bright or showed many colors this night, but it certainly danced and morphed and merrily filled the sky. 

i really couldn't be happier. 

baby's first airport lounge

i always forget how long a travel day becomes. sure, the flight legs may only be a couple hours each, but add the layover, the two-hours-early arrival, the even-early wake-up, and of course any delays—not to mention that once you get there, you still have to get from the airport to your actual destination! 

that tricksy little last leg always slips my mind, until i find myself exhausted, bladder-full, and hrustrated (that's my new word for hungry-frustrated; i've previously also tried hrumpy—hungry-grumpy). 

today was a travel day, and as it always does, it stretched and stretched. delay here, delay there. i don't mind travel days, but sometimes the enjoyment of the traveling process means i forget to take into account just how taxing it all is. 

my boyfriend and i have traveled quite extensively in the past year—his grandma is always lovingly badgering us to just stay put in one place for a while. but today was a travel day unlike any other thus far...today i experienced an airport lounge. 

i'm endlessly fascinated how you can hear all about what something is like, yet experiencing it yourself is still something else. knowing about something in theory and seeing it for yourself are just two entirely different things. you can't prepare or pre-knowledge your way out of reacting to the reality of it in front of you.

we didn't even experience this lounge to the fullest, barely scratching the surface of its amenities—but the amenities went from abstract things other people do when they visit the airport, to something i could genuinely do in that moment, that would entirely change the course of my day, like shower off the airport grime or get some much-need horizontal sleep if any of the "rest cabins" had been free. 

what did we did take advantage of was the buffet. there's no better time to first experience an airport lounge buffet than when one is freshly hrumpy and hrustrated from weightlifting-induced ravishing hunger. i usually have a very clear limit of how much food i can eat in one sitting. at this buffet i surprised both myself and my boyfriend by devouring two full sized portions of chicken curry with rice, and not long after we left, i was starving yet again. 

it was the best food i've ever had at an airport. and it was free! ok, not free, but all-you-can-eat, and included in the lounge price so as to feel free. i was used to food that tasted much worse and felt much more expensive. i didn't know this was possible!

there's something incredibly satisfying and world-opening about a luxury experience actually delivering on being a luxury experience. 

it's like how recently, i've gotten my nails done at an actual salon for the first time ever, and they're so superior to a cheap set of diy press-ons it's almost unbelievable. 

overall my first airport lounge experience was quite lovely. i think if i would have actually used the showers it would have been too much for my wee brain to comprehend—what do you mean you can be totally clean and refreshed halfway through a travel day?!

anyway, i couldn't be happier. i didn't even mention my boyfriend's generosity to our seatmate on the plane or how he helped push a stranger's snow-stuck car recently. i actually can't believe how wonderful he is and what an amazing life we have together. 

fancy cheesecutter from the airport lounge

today's tired thoughts

i'm so tired. if i wasn't so tired maybe i'd find a more interesting way to describe this feeling. maybe that's taking the coward's way out (i'm back to admonishing myself for cowardice for lack of ambitious attempts in the last few days' posts—this is at odds with another part of me that champions my ability to show up with whatever capacity i have on any given day, even if that's sub-ambitious). 

anyway, today's post will not be ambitious in a way that satisfies the former. i'd just like to ramble a bit and attempt to capture some thoughts. no more, no less. 

as i said, i am very tired. it's a heavy sort of tired, but pleasantly so. i've been fending off a nap since 5:30pm (it's now almost 11pm). my muscles ache, especially my legs, increasingly so as the day progressed. and the hunger! i've been insatiably hungry all day, even after i just ate a meal. 

yesterday, i lifted weights. for the week prior, i had not lifted weights, as i had been sick with a cold. before i got sick, i had an inkling that my recently increased tiredness was a result of the few weeks of lifting i had been doing, but i couldn't say for sure. i don't have a very long-ranged sense of my day-to-day physical condition—my chief concern is the present, and the rest sort of falls away, including whether i've had a headache in the past three days. 

but now, returning to lifting after a week off—i can truly feel the difference. without my noticing, my body had reverted to some previous baseline. one single day in the gym and i feel a major difference in my body. this hunger and tiredness were definitely not there 24 hours ago. 

when i'm trying to build a new habit, it feels disheartening to have to take a break very early on. i'm afraid the break will grow and grow, until the attempted behavior change is just a long-forgotten destination in the rearview mirror. 

with exercise, however, this is the second time i've started to build a habit and taken a break early on...and the break has actually been helpful to feel the difference in my body between doing the habit and not doing the habit. the stark contrast cements my determination to keep going, rather than the break convincing me to just give up. 

feeling a difference in my body is exciting, and a little bit scary. i've never been strong, never really been In Shape. i don't know what that version of me will feel like, will be like. maybe it won't feel much different than this change i'm feeling today; maybe it will just feel like the me of today rather than the me of two days ago. but maybe i'll feel wildly different; i don't know! 

getting stronger feels big and important. i'm excited to keep going. even though i often don't feel like going to the gym, it feels really good to go anyway, to conquer something hard, to become someone i've never been before.