After doing my first two fashion shows in a very long while, I am done pouting like a collapsed Disney princess about my abilities and prospects as a model.
Recently I've been feeling down about never progressing to the next level of modeling, feeling like I can't break into the world of Real Models who do the high-level shows and actually, you know, get paid for their work.
But after doing these recent shows, I realized I was feeling that way simply because it had been entirely too long between shows—I'm actually right at the level I want to be, and don't mind staying here forever (I'll just get creative about some other way to make money).
The core issue for me was feeling like access to modeling was being gate-kept from me. That surely, if some agency would just take me on, then I could have a steady flow of modeling opportunities.
The reality is that the higher up in modeling you go, the more restrictive it becomes. If I did get signed with an agency (which I'm still open to trying and would like to do), then I'd no longer have complete control over my hairstyle, for example. They can't, like, make me do anything to my hair, but it is industry standard to inform your agency before of any potential hair changes, and to not go through with it if your agency doesn't approve.
On one hand, it honestly wouldn't be too bad to have some input on what hairstyle would look good on me. On the other hand, I hate not being in control of my own look.
I'm also quite happy to have no one weighing in (ha!) on my weight or measurements. I was just talking backstage today with other models about the comments they've heard from agents and casting directors, commenting on their weight and questioning why they're even showing up for certain castings if they're not a certain small size.
Meanwhile, even though I had two shows this week, I was happily bulking (or at least trying to)—eating as much as I could shove into my mouth. I would much rather that than be watching my weight and trying to eat as little as I can.
At the show I did today, most of the other girls were that level of thin, that they wouldn't be laughed out of high fashion castings. I am also thin, but not unhealthily so. For this brand I was basically plus-size—the other girls wore the avant-garde, quite involved, very tiny outfits, and my two outfits were both just sweaters (over a thong).
I did not mind this at all. My quick changes were super simple and easy, whereas the other girls were majorly stressing, some in minor pain from the chains and other vaguely sharp accoutrements.
I realized the other day that high-level modeling is very similar to high-level sports: only a tiny, tiny percentage of all models make it to that level, and it requires a level of physical fitness that realistically most people will never achieve.
It took me this long to realize that, because at the more amateur levels, it's actually incredibly easy to break in, and I've had no issue booking shows, without needing to be excessively tiny and toned. (I said something about this to my boyfriend who then joked that of course a hot girl would say it's super easy to become a model.)
But really! It seems like every single show I do, there's at least one girl who says, "This is my first show! I never thought I could be a model, but I just decided to try out, and here I am!"
Girls that thought they would be too short, too old, too whatever. They gave it a shot anyway, and they ended up on the runway.
So I figured it would be basically as easy to continue progressing, but that hasn't really been the case. It makes sense when I think about it; sure, the unpaid gigs are taking basically anybody, but the paid gigs have oodles of competition.
I'm happy to now realize that I am perfectly content not progressing, and finding my own way to keep my steady flow of modeling opportunities.
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