the kind of person who...

making any sort of change can be a bit unsettling for me at first, especially because i'm awash in thoughts of "am i the type of person who [makes such a change]?" 

this is both an internal and an external concern. on the inside, it can feel like leaving behind something that feels like a part of my identity. on the outside, i worry that people will assume all sorts of things from seeing the new behavior instead of whatever i did before. 

when i first got an activity tracker to wear on my wrist, i got a $20 knockoff one from amazon. wearing it felt like it necessitated disclaimers to anyone who mentioned it, because yes, i was now someone who wanted to track my steps, but no, i was not someone who had a few hundred dollars to spend on doing so, and certainly was not someone Into Fitness, though i did want to exercise more. 

the internal battle at the time felt like betraying the part of me that was severely dysfunctional and wanted nothing more than to just lie down. wearing a knockoff fitbit to track the 500-step walk i just barely managed to drag myself outside for felt dishonest somehow, though unfortunately—as far as i know—they don't make a product that would showcase that particular information. not that i would have wanted to—it sucked to feel and be dysfunctional. but that was my true, honest experience nonetheless, and wearing something that broadcasted the opposite idea felt strange and uncomfortable.

despite this seemingly unavoidable transition period where my identity adjusts to my new behavior, i don't tend to let it actually prevent me from making the desired behavior change in the first place. 

a month ago, i started lifting weights. i've never been a person who "goes to the gym," though i've successfully found enjoyable group cardio exercises here and there throughout the years. "strength training" and "resistance training" and "lifting weights" and "going to the gym" were all things i had heard recommended, but as to what that actually entailed, i hadn't the faintest clue. 

thankfully the identity adjustment this time hasn't been quite so thorny, as i haven't had to navigate it alone—i've been my boyfriend's dutiful protégé. asking him every question under the sun has helped alleviate my gym-virgin ignorance and made it easier to feel like it's somewhere i belong. it also helps that he well and truly Sees me—at his side, changed behaviors feel less like an identity crisis and more like an identity expansion. 

and after all, i'm still just me. i just sometimes go to the gym now.