do you only know how you feel about something once you leave it behind?

we're back in berlin! this time for the last time—we're officially moving away in a couple months. 

i've lived here with my fiancé for a year, though it hasn't felt that long. we've been away almost as much as we've been here. 

we returned home by car yesterday after our most recent weeks-long stint away. i was excited reunite with berlin, but as soon as we hit the city, i felt my stress levels rising. i didn't want that to be true. i like it here, despite some annoyances here and there. but coming back for what i now know to be the last time seems to make all my grievances loom larger, until they're the only thing in view. 

i make a silent plea. "berlin, please don't make me hate you."

sirens wail, traffic snarls, graffiti shrieks. the city that refuses to be tamed. i guess i should expect nothing less. 

i look out the window and wonder if you only know how you feel about something once you leave it behind. it reminds me of a somewhat questionable pro-tip i used to have for uncertain relationships: if you imagine breaking up, what would you breathe a sigh of relief to not have to deal with anymore? are those things you can deal with and work through, or are they dealbreakers?

sometimes we only give ourselves permission to face the bad stuff once we've decided to leave the thing behind, whether it's a city or a partner. breaking up with berlin means admitting its flaws. i hope if i do that, then i can embrace it with vigor these last few precious weeks. 

when i think about it now, it feels less like a moving away from here, and more of a moving toward a new future. none of my grievances were enough to truly be dealbreakers, but i'm breathing a sigh of relief to leave them behind regardless. i'm sure i'll find a slew of minor grievances with our future home, too, along with its delights and treasures. 

it doesn't feel great to write badly about berlin before i've had a chance to properly sing its praises. on the other hand, writing helps transmute my negative emotions; i don't need much help processing the good times i've had here. 

i'm thankful to this city for uniting me with my love—it wouldn't have been as easy to join each other elsewhere. i'm thankful for the edge, the grit, the sass. i'm thankful for the alcohol-free radlers and the delicious vietnamese food. i'm thankful for all the hardship that has helped me become stronger—i faced so many fears here. 

thank you, berlin! 

a sunny afternoon in our beautiful berlin apartment