early post today to change the tides

i started writing a different post, one i'd like to write well, but then i decided to write this one first instead, to get one out there early and relieve the pressure for the day. then i can perhaps work on the other one at my leisure the rest of the day, or maybe take it easy and enjoy the pressure-less hours. 

what comes easiest to me is meta-discussion about the process of writing. this is what i post about on days where i feel stuck and low-capacity. it does feel good to have a topic to fall back on, but that also means that the more i fall back on it, the more of a coward i feel. 

it's actually quite difficult to choose what to write about every day. my goals are perhaps too lofty and amorphous; i want to capture what life is like for me, but also articulate my thoughts, but also improve my writing skills, but also describe the whole process. listing it out makes it sound easier than it feels; surely all those can be done simultaneously. but when choosing a topic, it feels like i pick one of these at a time, thus failing to address the rest. 

describing my emotional experience of the process is my comfort zone, and i struggle to choose topics outside of my comfort zone. though i can often pinpoint something i want to capture, i struggle to actually follow through, either because i fear i won't have anything to say about it once i start, or i fear i won't capture it well, or i fear i don't have an appealing angle on it.

last night, after i published my blogpost for the day, i felt so down on myself and hopeless. i felt the weight of just how bad my writing can be. it felt like such a monstrous effort would be required of me any time i wanted my writing to be even semi-decent, and in that moment it felt like more than i would ever be able to muster. 

but as i attempted to articulate my feelings to my fiancé, i capitulated, conceding that despite all my struggles, if i could just manage to keep hitting the publish button, then on the days when i felt up to expending the effort, i would be in the position to capitalize on it because i'd already be in the habit of showing up. 

today i woke up still feeling bad. i wasn't even sure exactly why. it was exactly the sort of feeling i'd typically elect to use twitter to dissociate from, but i just gave up twitter yesterday. to my chagrin, i found myself scrolling facebook instead while my fiancé took our dog on a walk. 

i'm dressed now, though, and writing, despite it all. i still feel a bit bad but maybe less so. i think it would feel good to give myself the rest of the day off, and return to my other draft another day. we're driving back home tomorrow, so i do need to pack—a nice physical task that will help me feel productive.