when i started this, blog, i fell into a groove of posting every day, once a day. i know myself, and i predicted this would become a Rule i would feel pressure to adhere to, but i also felt like it might be a reasonable frequency to keep myself publishing consistently.
i was right on both counts, it seems. i did fall victim to the pressure more than a few times, which resulted in not-so-great feelings about doing the writing part itself. i made some adjustments after that, aiming for writing earlier in the day rather than leaving it as some due-at-11:59pm nightmare assignment.
that worked well enough that i was able to reconnect with the "wow this is fun" feeling, and didn't even need to adhere to that new rule, of not leaving it until the last minute. it's currently 11:09pm and i'm feeling just fine!
posting at a daily frequency has indeed kept me In The Game. perhaps at a later date i might find more space to work on longer or more ambitious pieces, but for now, i'm finding a nice balance each day of what feels right in the moment, whether it's just a "what i'm thinking about" post, a meta-post about the process, or a more ambitious post, attempting to create a coherent piece or to describe something that's important to me.
it's also feeling like no big deal to hit "publish." i can tell when it's time to do so, and sometimes even when by some measures it might be "too early" to do so. i find the wonton publish-anyway maneuver to be quite delicious.
today i was pondering the creative process, and how it seems to have three modes: creating mode, editing mode, and sharing/publishing mode. the way i operate is maximizing the time spent in the creating and sharing modes, and intentionally and sparingly deploying the editing mode—which takes the most energy, and can cause an unwanted decrease in the other two modes if left unchecked.
in order to work like that, i also have to keep my ego in check. no single creation determines my worth as a writer or creator or whatever i'm doing. i work this way knowingly: accepting the tradeoffs. i know that if i spent more time in editing mode, then i'd very likely find better ways to say things, or polish up my work. but i also know that my identity doesn't rest on my doing so: i can handle publishing unpolished work because i know that i prioritize posting at volume over optimizing for quality.
sometimes this makes me worry that i will never produce work to my full potential, because what if i'm cowardly avoiding applying all three modes at full throttle? but i quickly shake that thought off. what's the point of "potential" anyway? it doesn't exist. what exists is what i do now, with what i have at my disposal.
some days that's more, and some days that's less. i'm developing a good sense of what i have in me each day, and writing a post accordingly. i think showing up fully doesn't mean forcing myself to try at ambitious amounts every day; it means showing up, with what i have that day, and giving that, again and again.
if i had never started this blog, i would have never discovered just how much i have to say. i am continually amazed at how many words i can produce when i simply sit down and let myself do it. a blank page doesn't scare me anymore, not quite the way it used to. a page full of my own words doesn't scare me the way it used to, either. at least not right now. i know it will change day to day.
sometimes i marvel at how i can successfully capture any thought at all. i have so many in a day, each one resulting in a cascade of others, it's a wonder i can choose and stick with any at all. sometimes that feels like the entirety of the skill of writing: the ability to pick one path from impossibly infinite options.
i could say anything, anything! managing to say something is a win every time.
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