go girl, give us nothing

the hairstylist from the first proper photo shoot i modeled for four years ago recently reposted some photos from the shoot. they were actually photos i'd never seen before—unedited versions of the final shots, which had been edited into a digitally rendered, alien-like background. these new photos the hairstylist posted were straight from the camera, with the plain white background we'd had in the studio that day. 

the one of me was my favorite from the shoot: a shot from the back, which showed my intricate avant-garde bun, the cutout back of the stiff feathered dress i wore, and, most importantly, not my face. 

now, don't get me wrong. as i said, this was my very first proper photo shoot, ever. the first time wearing original designs, the first time working with a team that was more than just my cousin or my sister shooting pics in our basement or a random alley. this was a full day, full hair and makeup, full professional studio sort of situation. 

i had been asked to be in it because the designer said i fit the exact measurements of the mannequin they had used to make the collection; so none of them would need to be altered to fit me. i was scared and nervous, but also felt up to the challenge. 

when it came time to get the shots, i posed like my life depended on it—or so i thought. i could swear i was making grand, giant shapes and gestures, full of emotion and story and intention. 

looking at them today, years later, and my reaction is a bit like, "go girl, give us nothing!" my poses are minuscule, my energy is tense, and my face is giving, well, pretty much nothing. 

and to be honest? it feels quite bad. i feel embarrassed and ashamed, especially because i had been so proud of them at the time. i shared them on my story today before i really took a good look at them, and now i felt a twinge of regret; why hadn't i just left them in the past and not reminded anyone of them? 

my regret didn't last long (though the embarrassment still lingers...); a few hours later i saw and responded to an instagram story looking for a female model for a project on wednesday. i've done a similar thing probably a half-dozen times in the past week, and i was ready to delete instagram from my phone rather than continue to apply to opportunities and hear no answer back. 

but lo and behold, this time i got a response! the designer mentioned more about the time and location of the shoot, and the crucial fact that since she's a student, it would not be paid. i said that's not a problem and gave her my measurements with my breath held—i was thrilled she had responded at all, but figured this is where it would fall through, that her samples would be too small for me to fit into. but that didn't happen! she said that's great, then said she'd send me more details tomorrow, apologized for the last-minute-ness of everything, and expressed her excitement to see me. 

well shiver me timbers. this might actually happen! maybe making this post will jinx it; i'm always hesitant to talk about modeling gigs before they happen, because they always feel an inch from falling apart entirely. but even if it does fall through, i'm proud of myself for trying again after so many rejections recently. 

wish me luck!