a few years ago i realized that it hurts no one if i think i'm pretty. as in, a part of me felt like i could only think i was pretty if other people agreed. but then i realized i could independently decide to find myself beautiful and there's nothing anyone could do about it.
though i still occasionally find myself acquiescing to a hypothetical objector, i often have moments of clarity where my insecurities fall away and i see myself as others might see me: i see someone who is pretty.
the nuances of this experience endlessly fascinate me, specifically because my feelings about whether or not i am pretty seem to have very little correlation with whether others actually agree or not. for example, i've noticed a pattern where feeling ugly functions as a defense mechanism against the potentially vulnerable situation of others paying attention to me.
it helps to ponder from this birds-eye view. it doesn't feel good to waffle over my own beauty, but being patient and open and as objective as i can about it helps me untangle what's beneath it and works towards the ultimate goal: not really caring very much regardless, or at least not basing my worth on it, while also reliably being able to pull a few levers (like doing my hair and makeup) when i want to turn on the beautiful switch.
or maybe that's not exactly it. oh right, my ultimate goal is right there at the top: being able to see my own beauty regardless of others' opinions on the matter.
eh, that's not exactly it either. i'm not sure. but i would at least like to have less moments of questioning my beauty (and thus my worth). kinda hard when i'm also actively pursuing (and getting rejected from many) modeling opportunities. but hey, a girl can dream.
i'd really like to have a solid sense of appreciating my beauty, though, and for good reason. you know how some people (often older women, at least in my life) can't stand any photos of themselves? it breaks my heart that they can't see the beauty that's so obvious in my eyes. so i'd like to be able to appreciate photos of myself throughout my life, especially so that i don't deprive loved ones of capturing my image.
and really i'd just love to free up the mental space "am i pretty" apparently continues to occupy in my brain. some things have made a significant dent, but it still comes up from time to time.
