i finally ripped the bandaid off and had a photoshoot just for fun

i'm trying to learn from first principles what exactly makes a successful photo—specifically fashion, both editorial and lifestyle/commercial. unsurprisingly, actually doing the thing gave me much more information than simply pondering the thing without actually doing it. 

a few days ago, i messaged a hobbyist photographer on instagram—we'd connected previously at a public fashion show i was modeling in and he happened to wander past and take some photos of—and asked if he'd liked to do a photoshoot this weekend, just for fun. 

i've been meaning to do something like this for quite some time, but i always felt too scared. the prospect of both being amateurs, bumbling around trying to figure out what "modeling" and "photoshoot" even entails, felt intimidating and off-putting. but i finally got over myself and decided to just try it out and have a little fun. 

as we arrived at our first location, i immediately realized the crux of what makes a good photo: some sort of story. of course, that seems quite obvious, doesn't it? but it didn't really hit me, like really hit me, until i was standing in a beautiful subway station, artfully composed in the shot, only having practiced basic, can't-go-wrong poses in the mirror—the kind you'd see if you scroll any website showing posed models selling clothing items. 

this immediately struck me as silly, to pose like an e-comm model completely not interacting with the context i was placed in. but what should i do instead? what emotion would i be feeling in this setting? what's the angle? 

i had an urge to suggest a brief brainstorm, desperate for the photographer (or anyone) to just tell me what to do, and i'd do it. i resisted the urge. i decided instead to do it on my own, and be okay with feeling like i'm doing it poorly. to really wallow in the uncertainty, and see what came out. 

the result was positively not bad! i didn't aim to create any spectacular images, but i did have a few big things riding on the outcome of this shoot, namely: am i ugly and do i have what it takes? and i'd say the answers are a resounding no and yes, respectively. 

am i a once-in-lifetime, general talent with a natural knack for modeling that's so clear everyone and their uncle could see it? no. but do i have a small but steady inclination towards flattering poses and emotive expressions, that could definitely be nurtured into something reliable? absolutely! 

and yes, i somehow did have a whisper in the back of my mind that if i did a photoshoot, i would discover that my face, captured by a professional camera, is actually a horrid, wretched sight to behold—or maybe something less dramatic than that, that i'd discover i just don't have the face for modeling, even if it's a perfectly fine face otherwise. 

but i was quite frankly delighted with the resulting images. and i can see very clearly that some just didn't turn out flattering, but that that does not at all take away from the fact that i can produce successful images. 

other things i did well, that i previously agonized over: 

styling—i bought three new dresses yesterday (might write a whole post on that endeavor) and chose one for this shoot, adding a belt, heels, and gold hoops to make the hardware on the belt. the result was a great silhouette and enough accessories to not look bare. 

makeup—i swear i used to be good at makeup, but somewhere around 2016 when contouring first appeared, i slowly fell out of practice and stopped picking up new techniques. i don't know how to choose the right foundation color or lip color. but it ended up looking not too bad, and my face wasn't horribly mismatched with my body. 

nerves—i didn't mind too much that lots of people were around and watching. it perhaps hindered my creative risk-tolerance, landing me in the same few poses over and over again, but hey, at least i didn't feel cripplingly shy or have trouble doing those few poses well. 

(oh, and if you've been following along with my last couple posts where i talked about having a vision for this photoshoot: we did not end up doing that. i went with what the photographer was feeling, and styled my outfit accordingly, and i was happy with the results! i only wanted to follow through with my vision if i could really commit to it properly, which was not the vibe this time around, and that's totally fine.)

so i'd say this was a success. and not only that, it was quite fun and i would very much like to continue experimenting, and reach out to other photographers. 

a cropped portion of one of the images from today. i picked this one because i think i look pretty!