i'm feeling better than ever! and also more annoyed

over the past year, my wellbeing has measurably increased as i implement healthier habits and spend time being happy with my fiancé. i'm no longer plagued by constant lethargy and migraines. curiously, i also get annoyed more often than i did before. the big difference is that while before, i repressed the irritation before even consciously recognizing it, manifesting various psychosomatic complaints as a result; now, by contrast, i acknowledge and express the annoyance as soon as i can, letting it pass through me rather than settle somewhere in my body. 

this is all coming into clearer view as i begin re-reading healing back pain by john sarno. i've never had any significant back pain specifically, but the book tackles a wide range of psychosomatic issues, despite a focus on back pain. i've read it once before, at a time when i had been losing hope that i'd ever get a handle on a persistent shoulder pain that i initially assumed was some sort of injury and later began to consider as a manifestation of some sort of emotional pain instead.

my first reading of the book was particularly frustrating. throughout, the author repeats over and over that he has cured patients with mere education about the issue: specifically that the pain is nothing structural and is purely psychological in nature. after learning this, his patients felt their pain vanish, either immediately or over the course of a few weeks. reading this while in the throes of my own pain, i wanted to scream and thrash about, begging the author to explain how exactly that could be the case, and especially, how that would ever be helpful for me since i already knew my pain was almost certainly psychosomatic and hadn't yet been able to make a dent in it.  

thankfully, albeit ever as inexplicably, my pain also vanished as the weeks passed. at first, i had started to make an effort to name and face any emotion that crossed my path, treating any surge of pain as an indicator that i should search for a feeling that my body was trying to actively repress. this was tough work, but seemed to help. after a while, i stopped being as conscious about it, but seemed to be improving all the while anyway. 

the shoulder pain specifically has resolved almost completely. it was especially helpful to resume physical activity without fear of aggravating or worsening an injury, because i was confident there was no injury to be worsened (sarno talks about this in the book, but i wouldn't have believed it applied to me if i hadn't previously just seen a physical therapist whose examination concluded the same: no injury or structural problem, just "weak postural muscles," the very same muscles sarno posits are involved in the pain disorder he describes). i began lifting at the gym, and now have some muscle in my arms (and elsewhere on my body) where before i had none at all. 

i do still have small acute issues here and there, but i can usually pinpoint the emotional stressor and move through it in a reasonable time frame, compared to a low-level baseline pain i experienced previously. i also noticed flare-ups when i don't get enough to eat. 

as i start reading healing back pain a second time, i already feel much more receptive than i felt before. i've made significant progress moving through pain that felt intractable, and i feel hopeful that a reread can help me even more deeply, especially as i work through my emotions (like anxiety, irritation, and anger) more consciously this time around.