blogpost research and wedding glow-ups

at the current moment, i am on some level against conducting research for the purpose of writing my blogposts. 

why? 

well, first of all, that's just not the sort of thing i write. at least now, my focus in my writing is on my own subjective experience. i want to feel allowed to write about my subjective experience just as it is, not feeling like i can't write about my experience until i am researched enough to have earned the right to do so. 

let me give an analogy. something i've been thinking about a lot: the concept of a "wedding glow-up." 

in preparation for their wedding, many women feel the need to achieve some level of improvement of their physical appearance, with the final product by the day of the wedding being significant enough to warrant the word "glow-up." 

with my own wedding fast approaching, i noticed these feelings in myself, but then actively pushed back against them, after realizing what i felt was an unsavory underlying motivation: that in order to deserve the grand love of forever after, i must be different from how i currently am. 

i remember seeing a tweet recently, expressing how after much pondering, the tweeter had come to the conclusion that they did not have "bride physiognomy." as if in order to be worthy of being chosen to be loved forever, one must have a certain look, and if not, well, sucks to be you. 

so whenever a feeling came up for me of wanting to improve a certain aspect of my physical appearance in advance of my wedding, i reminded myself that i don't need to change in order to be loved. my fiancé loves me, just as i am, not some hypothetical slightly-more-perfect version of myself. 

since first taking note of this, i've noticed a big psychological shift. a few months ago, i was crying about how i'd do my makeup well enough that i wouldn't worry about feeling ugly on my wedding day. a few days ago, i looked myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and earnestly considered getting married with no makeup at all. 

i don't think i'll go quite that far; i will wear some amount of makeup on my wedding day. but now it's from a place of free choice, not out of needing to earn love by changing who i am. 

and maybe that's a good way to approach researching for my blogposts: i don't have to completely write it off, but i also feel free to exist just as i am too.