Trying Means I Might Fail

Lately I've been feeling down about my abilities—as a model, as a writer, as a creative in general. 

On a typical day, I'm quite positive about my skill level, and accepting of the fact that getting better at anything would require putting in an amount of effort I'd frankly rather not put in, because I'd rather prioritize other things. I pride myself in being content with things like this. 

But lately it's been much harder. Rather than appreciating what skill and success I have achieved, I've been staring down the improbability of ever accomplishing true mastery of anything. My runway walk sucks, I'll never get signed with an agency and get any commercial work, I'll never be a great writer, I'll never be truly great at anything. 

When I think about it logically, it makes sense to be feeling this way in this particular moment. I started this blog in part to take a stab at becoming great—and actually trying means now I can actually fail. 

Before putting in the nitty gritty work it takes to get there, it's easy to imagine the possibilities of how it might go. Without ever trying, you never have to face the reality of giving it your all and failing. As soon as you start trying, now you're actually on the hook for the outcome. 

So now I have started. And now I see the path to success stretching interminably far in front of me, feeling further away with each step instead of getting any closer. 

It even feels like a failure to be writing about this feeling, rather than first writing about how I usually handle it and helping others handle it better, too. But I think writing about and thus through it is part of the whole process of getting anywhere I want to be. I have to face and process my emotional experience of it in order to ever have the gumption to keep trying again. 

I do keep trying again, even when I doubt myself. I just got home from a model casting-turned-fitting—which means the casting was a success and I made it in the show—and I reminded myself that even though I don't have the best model walk in the world, I'm not a total failure at modeling. I'm punctual, easy-to-work-with, and I take direction well—which in some ways is even better than nailing it on the first try, anyway. 

Most of all, I genuinely enjoy doing it. At the end of the day, that matters much more to me than whether I'll ever be great.