what's the point, anyway?

writing a blogpost every day means facing my own writing every day. honestly, sometimes that makes me want to quit and crawl into a hole. 

why is everything so hard? why can i not just write effortlessly? why am i even trying? why am i doing it in public, why not work in private until i'm more confident? why do anything? why am i so bad at this? why do i keep using the same words and sentence structures? why is it so hard to make sense? why even say anything at all if everyone else can say it better? 

i don't really know why i'm doing this and not just giving up and being as-good-as-writing as i am right now in this moment. and i don't know if writing every day will help—of course some part of me believes that surely it will, but another part of me wonders if i'm just taking the easy way out every day and not putting in enough effort to actually make progress. 

it really depends on the day how i'm feeling about writing, and about modeling, about myself, and so on. most days i feel pretty good about myself and my ability to get better, but some days it's just hard. 

after publishing yesterday's post, i turned to my boyfriend and said, "my post today was pretty bad. but it was way worse when i first wrote it!" and yeah, that is an accomplishment. 

maybe it's just been several days where i leave blog-writing until the end of the day, and then i don't feel like i have enough energy to put much effort in, then what i do manage to write is much less nice than i'd like it to be. 

maybe i'll try making a point to start writing early in the day and see how that goes. i'm a bit of a night owl, so i'm no stranger to late-night productivity, but i've also been much more tired in recent days since starting going to the gym. i guess it doesn't really matter why, i don't really care to justify it to myself—i'll just decide to try something else and see if that works better. 

i do know that doing something consistently, even though it's hard, is good for me and helps me grow. so even when i feel like it's useless and stupid and it won't amount to anything—i'm still going to write.