hey, me again. am i chickening out?

what am i even doing this for! i feel like i haven't given a real effort in my last several blogposts. i forget what my goals were and literally why i'm doing this. i thought i would naturally put some effort into my posts here and there, but lately it feels like it hasn't been much of a priority, and i can't remember the last time i actually tried to edit a post for clarity or improve it in any way other than at the level of an individual sentence. i'm just taking the easy way out and writing whatever comes to me and calling it a day (or night, usually). 

i do still think this is a useful process, and i'm glad i'm doing it. but i feel like it's not scratching the itch of doing actual writing that takes effort and intention, i'm just using it to journal. which, to be fair, is also one of my goals, so i guess i'm not totally failing. it's just hard to keep all the goals in mind and meet all of them occasionally; i fall into one or the other and forget to strive for the other ones. 

one benefit i think i'm getting out of the process is an overall further unfurling, settling in, and overflowing of my creativity. it feels like i actually have cleared out friction and gunk in my creative channels, and posting daily keeps it that way, even if the posts themselves aren't anything special. i'm free to pounce on any lightning flash of an idea, and quickly spin something out of nothing, rather than just endlessly ideate and never get to the follow-through stage. maybe i should just trust that a few more months of solidifying this habit will mean i'll have that much more room to put more effort into each post. 

but perhaps the most frustrating thing is that it's not even that i don't have enough time. this is perhaps the period of my life where i have the most time i'll ever have. and yet! what do i have to show for it! ...a lot i guess, but also, not enough. and i have learned before that doing more actually does beget doing more, rather than an excess of time leading to things being easier necessarily. 

sigh. i don't know. i'm just doing what i can, and hopefully i can look back and be proud of what i've done, without disclaiming and minimizing. i'd like to be able to do that.