i'm writing this with an annoying bandaid on one of my fingertips—evidence of my failure packing things without breaking any fingernails.
i hit it hard on a random surface while i finally hit a groove with packing. worst time to break a nail, i thought, until i realized of course i'd break a nail while using my hands so much. and yeah, it still is the worst time to break a nail, but also the most likely.
breaking a nail sounds like a frivolous problem, but i had a set of gel nails done, and the nail had cracked underneath the gel extension. this would suck any time, but at this particular moment it was beyond what i could handle. i have several fashion shows coming up that i want to have nice nails for, and yet here i was with a nail potentially so broken maybe it would fall off and look horribly mangled for the shows.
that was just the emotion coloring my view, however. after i calmed down, i saw that it likely wouldn't be that bad, though it was definitely broken past the point it should be—a few millimeters down into the nail bed itself, not just breaking off at the free edge.
i honestly don't even want to talk about getting the gel nails removed. i did, and it was as annoying as i expected, and they didn't do what i wanted, as i expected. it hurt, but not as much as i expected!
so now my nails are bare and a bit ragged. i'll let them breathe for at least a few days. i don't think they'll matter too much for my show this week, but i'd like to have them looking decent by next week.
i had another swedish lesson today. i'm trying out some next tutors—turns out sometimes you need to try a few in order to find the best fit. it feels bad to give up on the first couple, but i'm quite sensitive to moral hits and with both i was struggling to keep morale high (after an initial major upswing with both). i'm cautiously optimistic about the new tutor i saw today, but i don't want to get my hopes up.
at the end of the lesson, her evaluation was that my speaking level is still around A-level (using CEFR levels), but also that it's not as bad as i think (i opened the lesson by saying i can't speak very much). this felt great at the time, but it quickly soured as the achievement-obsessed part of me spiraled about still only being A-level. the previous tutor had assigned me homework at B2 and even C1 levels, and seems to believe i can operate at a high enough level to discuss deep questions based on documentaries, and now this tutor is saying i'm saying A2ish? that felt like a step back.
but i was also frustrated with myself for being upset in the first place. the reason i am trying a new tutor at all is because the previous tutor's approach is way too hard and she seems to have severely overestimated my level. does it feel good that someone thinks i'm operating at a high level? of course! but it does not feel good to actually not be able to operate at that level because i'm genuinely not at that level yet and that's totally fine and i'd actually much rather have a teacher that recognizes that then for morale to take a hit every week as i try and fail and form way-too-hard sentences!
so i was feeling bad about all of this, but i hadn't pinpointed it yet—i was just feeling vaguely bad about myself. then i went on a walk with my fiancé, and talking to him helped me untangle all my feelings and set myself right again. it helps so much to take a birds-eye view of myself with him. in that space it's easy to be curious and nonjudgmental, because we both love and care about me and want to figure out what i'm feeling and how we can move forward. i started the walk feeling abstractly bad, and ended feeling like i knew exactly what and why i was feeling that way, and also like i could accomplish anything (by the end of the walk we were literally foraying into mathematical concepts, because it was stuff i've been wanting to learn but didn't feel up to the challenge—but with him i can do anything).
and when we got home, i remained inspired, and ended up reaching out to another photographer to see if i can squeeze in one more photoshoot here in berlin before we move away. and to my delight it was a fast and affirmative response. i can't believe all it took was being brave enough to try, and now i can model basically as much as i want, i just have to reach out to people and set something up!
 |
| pretty sights on our refreshing spring walk |
 |
| playing around with compass + straightedge problems with my darling |
No comments:
Post a Comment