home alone for a weekend

being home alone (for more than a few hours) without my fiancé for the first time was genuinely psychoactive. i enjoyed my time and was more productive and functional than i expected, but i also felt strange emotional echoes of the me i was before i met him, and found it nearly impossible to sleep.

we've lived together for over a year now, spending almost every second of that time together. this weekend was the first time we'd be apart for several days at a time. my fiancé was traveling away to france for a friend's bachelor party—a friend whose wedding we're attending in japan in a few weeks. i'd be home alone with our dog, bianca. 

my biggest fear was that i'd revert to being basically nonfunctional. before we got together, i had difficulty motivating myself to complete tasks, from household maintenance to leisure activities. i worried that without my fiancé around as a regulating presence, i'd regress to my old ways. 

i was pleased to discover that for the most part, that didn't happen. the only exception was that i had incredible difficulty making myself go to sleep. without anyone else around, it was somehow a hundred times harder to put my phone away for the night and close my eyes to sleep. i also found that lying there in bed, i felt a loneliness i hadn't felt since moving to be with my fiancé. 

i did eventually fall asleep, after moving to another room and cuddling with bianca. and all in all i still managed to get 6 hours of sleep the first two nights, and 7.5 hours the last night. normally i get around 9. 

despite my relative lack of sleep, i did manage to be productive in a satisfying way. i've written before about how my creative process has evolved since no longer living alone, and i took this opportunity to indulge in creative endeavors i wouldn't be as comfortable doing when someone else is home, like modeling practice, trying out new tiktok styles, and making a youtube video. 

i also went shopping a few times! normally i forget shopping is even a thing, but i really should go out every once and a while. getting a cute new dress is just an absolute thrill (and i still have room to rebuild my wardrobe after moving continents). 

throughout the weekend there was a strange sense of "who am i now, in this context?" i felt a slightly disorienting return to a shade of some previous self, almost like i had teleported my past self into this new context, but without my fiancé physically there to make it sink in. 

when my fiancé returned home, it felt almost surreal. the sun shone differently, sculpting him with gorgeous shadows and illuminating him with a brilliant outline. he looked so unbelievably handsome i actually couldn't believe my eyes, tearing every time i caught sight of him. with him finally home, i slept like a rock. nine solid hours with zero wake-ups until my alarm went off. 

maybe it sounds silly, but this weekend felt like integrating my lonely previous self with the happy healthy self i am with my fiancé. i felt anew how much joy and brightness my fiancé brings into my life, and how heart-wrenchingly, earth-shatteringly i love and adore him. he's the hottest man in the world and just lives in the same home as me! i get to see him every day! i'm eternally grateful, and i can't wait to marry him.