last fashion show in berlin

today i'll be modeling in a fashion show for the last time before we move away from berlin. my model bag is packed and ready to go and my stomach is slowly twisting itself into gentle anticipatory knots. my fiancé will be coming, and gets to sit in the reserved section since we each got to have one guest attend for free. 

this is somewhat of a full circle moment, tying things up in neat little bow: the cast of models (as well as the hair/makeup artists and the organizer/model coordinator) is a repeat from some previous shows i've done—the first i'd ever done in berlin. and now they'll be with me in my last. 

last night, i was reminiscing with awe about the casting process for those first shows. i had found a casting call on instagram and showed up the next day, hoping to be cast. usually casting calls occur in some room inside some building, but this was out in the open—anyone could join, and anyone could watch. 

before this, i had heard that fashion contexts in berlin would likely be mostly in english, but i quickly realized that was not the case. armed with perhaps a handful of days of my a1 german class, i ascended the stage, strode right up to the microphone, and introduced myself in simple german, switching to english only for the second half of the sentence explaining "why i'm here." then i catwalked confidently down the stage, in the blazing sun, in front of a small panel of judges and a large, mulling crowd. 

i don't know what possessed me to speak so confidently in german instead of just introducing myself in english. it felt a bit like when i was around 5 years old, at a pool with my large family, and wandered off to try the high dive on my own since no one was watching me. when i enter a context with no one expecting anything of me, i can accomplish things i haven't ever done before. when no one is around who knows me, i can be free to be someone new entirely. 

at today's show, that won't be the case—so many people around will have seen me model on the runway before. that's a good thing. i want to become more comfortable expanding my capacities around those familiar with what i have achieved before. i want to free myself from the limits that close around me when i'm afraid how i'll be compared to my past self. i want to explore the vast expanse of possibility, even when i'm nervous to be different than i was before.