swedish ups and downs

i tried out a new swedish tutor and it went really well. it felt like i could speak better than i have before, and she seemed to really believe in me, which helped me believe in myself. i liked her style better than the previous tutor, who used a texbook and went very by-the-book, even though i didn't need help understanding low-level stuff, just help speaking it. the new tutor felt much more able to deal with my asymmetric levels. i felt confident and motivated after our lesson. 

however, it feels like when it comes to real-life situations, i still panic and no swedish comes out. we video called my fiancé's family for easter, and it was almost entirely in swedish, with me keeping up most of the time in terms of comprehension, but still answering in english. and today we had a video call with our wedding officiant, entirely and swedish, and i felt pretty dumb being so silent, because no swedish would come out of my mouth. though that also felt like the conversation was difficult enough that it made sense that i would struggle (though i could still mostly follow along). 

then we watched a short "documentary" as my homework from my new tutor so we could discuss it next session (the assignment was to watch it, write down three questions and write down 20 new words, so i would remember them when it was time to discuss what i'd seen). i sat down with my notebook and pencil, eager to jot down notes as we watched. we've watched challenging material before, most recently the lawyer drama hundarna, with many pauses so my fiancé could explain vocabulary or phrases, but this one felt like it was entirely new, challenging words. i put down my notebook and decided to just watch, resolving to watch it again later in a more studious mode, looking up words as i went. morale took a hit. i was confident about my level during my lesson, but now the homework was way too hard. but who knows, we'll see how it goes. i'll do my best, and also be honest with my tutor that it was overwhelmingly hard. 

it feels like my brain is constantly searching for a binary answer of "can i handle swedish," when the reality is that it depends on the context, the level, my emotional state, and so many other things. it feels like no matter how much or how fast i improve, i'm chastising myself for all the things i don't know or can't do still. i'll just keep going, though, and trust that the process will work itself out (i know it will).