swedish ups and downs

i tried out a new swedish tutor and it went really well. it felt like i could speak better than i have before, and she seemed to really believe in me, which helped me believe in myself. i liked her style better than the previous tutor, who used a texbook and went very by-the-book, even though i didn't need help understanding low-level stuff, just help speaking it. the new tutor felt much more able to deal with my asymmetric levels. i felt confident and motivated after our lesson. 

however, it feels like when it comes to real-life situations, i still panic and no swedish comes out. we video called my fiancé's family for easter, and it was almost entirely in swedish, with me keeping up most of the time in terms of comprehension, but still answering in english. and today we had a video call with our wedding officiant, entirely and swedish, and i felt pretty dumb being so silent, because no swedish would come out of my mouth. though that also felt like the conversation was difficult enough that it made sense that i would struggle (though i could still mostly follow along). 

then we watched a short "documentary" as my homework from my new tutor so we could discuss it next session (the assignment was to watch it, write down three questions and write down 20 new words, so i would remember them when it was time to discuss what i'd seen). i sat down with my notebook and pencil, eager to jot down notes as we watched. we've watched challenging material before, most recently the lawyer drama hundarna, with many pauses so my fiancé could explain vocabulary or phrases, but this one felt like it was entirely new, challenging words. i put down my notebook and decided to just watch, resolving to watch it again later in a more studious mode, looking up words as i went. morale took a hit. i was confident about my level during my lesson, but now the homework was way too hard. but who knows, we'll see how it goes. i'll do my best, and also be honest with my tutor that it was overwhelmingly hard. 

it feels like my brain is constantly searching for a binary answer of "can i handle swedish," when the reality is that it depends on the context, the level, my emotional state, and so many other things. it feels like no matter how much or how fast i improve, i'm chastising myself for all the things i don't know or can't do still. i'll just keep going, though, and trust that the process will work itself out (i know it will).

big day!

a few weeks ago i joined a therapist directory as a "life coach," and today i got my first client inquiry and had an intro call. it's been a little over a year since i did anything this close to therapy, and though i was a little unfamiliar with how to structure a brief intro call (i'm used to full-length first sessions as a therapist), it felt amazing to be doing work like this again, with the changes i wish i could have made as a therapist (like not diagnosing). it made me more excited to flesh out more marketing materials and really go for it, so that i can get more client inquiries and make this a real thing! i've wanted to have my own practice for probably four or five years at this point. i tried to set up a therapy private practice once before, but it was too much to juggle at the time, and i still didn't like diagnosing, so even going out on my own didn't fix that fundamental disconnect. i'm very excited to pursue this direction more!

i also started the day with a swedish tutoring lesson, which taught me some interesting new things, but i also want to try out some different tutors as well, so i can better evaluate fit. i like the tutor i'm seeing, but i'm wondering if there might be someone better suited to handle my particular level. so i ended up booking a tutor whose profile i had seen before and liked. the only problem is she lives in australia, so her available times are not quite convenient for me. the trial lesson i booked with her is tonight...at midnight! she does have some more reasonable times, but i wanted to strike while the iron is hot (before today it had been a whole week since my last swedish lesson, and that was enough time for my nerves to build back up—i'd like to minimize the chances of that happening again!). 

all this talking today, and my throat is already a bit sore from all the singing i did over easter weekend. after some quick mental math, i estimated that my fiancé and i spent over 8 hours in church over the long easter weekend. it was especially nice because of a few things: 1. it was my fiancé's first time spending easter in a church, let alone a catholic one. 2. he played guitar (and sang!!!) at easter vigil mass and sounded and looked so lovely. 3. it was my own first time in several years to attend more than just easter sunday mass. and my first time in germany too! there were lots of differences that surprised me, but also a lot of comforting similarities. 4. i felt connected to the meaning of easter for the first time in a very long time. to the point where i actually got confused why there were bunnies everywhere, lol. it felt good to appreciate the sacrifice and the love behind the holiday. 5. i finally felt comfortable to sing at normal volume during mass! often there aren't a ton of people at the mass we normally attend, so it feels quite vulnerable to sing aloud, and i either just read or whisper along. but we recently attended a cool adoration event with more contemporary songs (including english ones that i know and love!) and i got out of my comfort zone and sang louder than usual there, and since then i've felt much more comfortable to finally sing out! it also helps that my fiancé says how much he likes to hear my singing voice. 

oh yeah, and i got back on twitter yesterday! it felt a bit strange. i think the break really severed something, in a positive way. it feels like when my phone broke in college and i subsequently fasted from social media for months, then when i returned to instagram, i never felt the same draw to it afterwards. i'm not sure what my relationship to twitter will be moving forward, but i'm thankful for everything it brought into my life. 

this is my 100th blogpost!!! 🎉

somehow i have written and published 100 blogposts! feels like the time it took to get here was simultaneously quite short and quite long. it kinda feels like not that big of a deal because it's not exactly 100 *effortful* blogposts, but i guess 100 of what-i-could-muster-at-the-time is better than 0. this one too, i'd like to put more effort in, but oh well. it's easter! happy easter!

i made kimchi fried rice!

to my surprise and delight, sometimes my mood greatly improves when i cook an elaborate meal. this was never true before, as cooking anything seemed to only deplete me rather than the opposite. but now if i'm feeling a bit down about my self or my abilities in general, cooking a meal is an almost surefire way to lift my spirits. 

the other day i decided to attempt kimchi fried rice. i made this a handful of times on my own a few years ago, but the results were inconsistent. once or twice it was great, and the rest it was varying degrees of awful. so trying it now was a gamble. 

i cooked it with bacon, which i had never done in the past. the result was fantastic! the fat from the bacon really added to the taste. i was worried it might be too salty or bad some other way, but my fiancé loved it, and requested i make it again sometime. 

friday rolled around, and since we're trying to not eat meat on fridays, it was the perfect time to attempt the dish again sans bacon. this time it turned out a bit more like my previous attempts: the flavor wasn't quite as deep. though still pretty good! 

next time i make the meatless version, i make make some other changes to improve it. but overall i'm very satisfied with the results, and it feels great to finally have a use for the lonely, untouched kimchi in our fridge.

 

green thursday adoration

i'm not sure why, but in germany they call today (the thursday before easter) "green thursday." as far as i know, in america there's no special word for the thursday, i guess just "easter thursday," then "good friday," "holy saturday," and "easter sunday." but i could very well be wrong about that. (i just googled it and yes i was wrong about that. it's holy thursday, not easter thursday, which now i'm like ohh of course)

i guess it's been several years since i've attended anything at church on a holy thursday, but what i remember from the u.s. was a semi-regular mass, but with people from the parish chosen to get their feet washed like the apostles. i'm very fuzzy on the details, but i remember wondering who would be chosen each year. 

i expectantly hoped for something similar here in germany, but perhaps it's just an american thing (and maybe even parish specific? not sure...catholic churches have sneakily more differences than you might expect). 

to be fair, i also can't read german very well at all, and also didn't look very hard at the names of the events today, so i was free to imagine my own thing. but when we arrived, i found out it was adoration of some kind, with some readings and songs interspersed with long stretches of silent adoration. 

initially i was disappointed that it wasn't going to be a holy thursday like i imagined. it was also at a different church than the one we normally attend, and the pews and kneelers were much more uncomfortable than i was used to, despite the fact that these kneelers were actually padded. 

the pew seats were narrow and the kneeler was fixed in position, so finding a comfortable position for my legs was quite an acrobatic endeavor. i sat internally grumbling, trying and failing to not move very much. i was sleepy from a hard day at the gym and the unexpected bouts of silence (of indeterminate length) threatened to lull me into a slumber. 

then i remembered that my fiancé had just mentioned how the apostles were in a very similar position, being asked to wait up and watch over jesus while he prayed...and despite how hard they tried, they fell asleep. it felt like we were in good company. even really great role models are still just human at the end of the day, and even when you care about something, sometimes it's just hard to overcome tiredness.

i also realized that there i was, complaining about a bit of discomfort, when we're literally in contemplative silence for someone who suffered and died on the cross. i recentered and tried to sit with my discomfort, rather than wish for it to go away. 

it also helped to shift away from complaining and nitpicking and focus on the positives instead: how thankful i was to be there, how thankful i am to live the life i live, and thankful i am for all the love i get to experience. and i'm thankful to experience easter with my fiancé, and see it with new eyes. 

fascinatingly linear blog growth

it's now my fourth calendar month of blogging. so far, the amount of monthly views my blog has gotten has been almost perfectly linear, to my surprise and delight. feast your eyes: 

click to enlarge!

january 2026 views: 421

february 2026 views: 880

march 2026 views: 1294

so if you could all coordinate to view my blog approximately 1727 times (no more, no less) in april, that would be fantastic. 

(as a side note, who are you people????? i am aware of like a handful of people who regularly check my blog, and other than that i have no idea who all these views are. please say hi!!!) 

no offense, but i am pretty!

a few years ago i realized that it hurts no one if i think i'm pretty. as in, a part of me felt like i could only think i was pretty if other people agreed. but then i realized i could independently decide to find myself beautiful and there's nothing anyone could do about it. 

though i still occasionally find myself acquiescing to a hypothetical objector, i often have moments of clarity where my insecurities fall away and i see myself as others might see me: i see someone who is pretty. 

the nuances of this experience endlessly fascinate me, specifically because my feelings about whether or not i am pretty seem to have very little correlation with whether others actually agree or not. for example, i've noticed a pattern where feeling ugly functions as a defense mechanism against the potentially vulnerable situation of others paying attention to me. 

it helps to ponder from this birds-eye view. it doesn't feel good to waffle over my own beauty, but being patient and open and as objective as i can about it helps me untangle what's beneath it and works towards the ultimate goal: not really caring very much regardless, or at least not basing my worth on it, while also reliably being able to pull a few levers (like doing my hair and makeup) when i want to turn on the beautiful switch. 

or maybe that's not exactly it. oh right, my ultimate goal is right there at the top: being able to see my own beauty regardless of others' opinions on the matter. 

eh, that's not exactly it either. i'm not sure. but i would at least like to have less moments of questioning my beauty (and thus my worth). kinda hard when i'm also actively pursuing (and getting rejected from many) modeling opportunities. but hey, a girl can dream. 

i'd really like to have a solid sense of appreciating my beauty, though, and for good reason. you know how some people (often older women, at least in my life) can't stand any photos of themselves? it breaks my heart that they can't see the beauty that's so obvious in my eyes. so i'd like to be able to appreciate photos of myself throughout my life, especially so that i don't deprive loved ones of capturing my image. 

and really i'd just love to free up the mental space "am i pretty" apparently continues to occupy in my brain. some things have made a significant dent, but it still comes up from time to time.