we just watched drive. it was the first time i'd seen it and i had no idea what to expect. much more intense than i expected, but a well-done movie with interesting characters. i liked one shot in particular that showed a character leaving, not by actually showing the character, but via a closeup of the main character's eyes following the leaving character back to his seat. watching the movie made me feel a particular kind of anxiety that has been creeping up recently, where watching intense things makes me worried we'll get mixed up in similar things in real life. i don't think this happened much before, but now that i have a fiancé, sometimes the stakes feel higher; i have more to lose, so things can be scarier.
a few days ago we watched another ryan gosling movie: the most recent one, project hail mary. that was truly a knockout. expertly done, incredibly funny throughout, and with appropriately religious undertones for an easter release. watching it in english in a german theatre meant sometimes i was the only one laughing at minor quips, but thankfully i love to be a giving and easy-to-laugh audience. i'd definitely go see it again, and in fact the book version just came in the mail today and i will be reading it immediately.
perfect timing, because i just finally finished reading "being wrong." it was very good, but i guess nonfiction just doesn't pull me in as much as fiction can, so it took me what felt like an eternity to finish. some nights i'd only read a single page, and then feel bad about that, until my fiancé would say something like, "you gotta read them eventually, and now you already have!" or something more inspiring, and i've probably butchered it, but it sticks with me now whenever i feel bad about how little progress i'm making on something.
i got a uti for the first time in a few years and gosh, i forgot how awful they can be. the process of getting anti-biotics was a trip, but thankfully after two courses (the first wasn't enough), it seemed to be resolving. and just in time for my period to start! i shuddered at the thought of having to wear pads for a week after the irritation and pain the uti inflicted upon me, so i thought hey, why not try a menstrual disc (i've used disposable ones before, but this was my first time trying a reusable one). i also figured that i'm finally functional enough to try using a menstrual product that requires sterilizing in boiling water every cycle. for some reason, however, the one i got was a size medium, which was apparently the wrong choice. i inserted it, then immediately attempted removal just so i knew i could—and quickly realized i could not. discs, unlike menstrual cups, are to my knowledge not supposed to form a vacuum seal in the vaginal canal, they're just supposed to sit behind the pubic bone and be super easy to remove. but this one definitely seemed vacuum sealed inside of me. i could touch it, but any attempt to actually grab it was proving impossible. i would have immediately started panicking if my fiancé weren't right there with me. after several of my failed attempts, he offered to give it a go, and thankfully, gripped and removed it on the first try. it was one of those moments that made me thankful i found a partner who doesn't flinch at humanness, and would gladly remove foreign objects from my body, no matter how bloody.
i'm gonna sandwich this in here and maybe no one will read it. what if i'd be much better at being behind the camera instead of in front of it? at the end of the day i really don't think i have what it takes to be a "successful," model, but i do just enjoy the process so much, it would be cool if i could find some other role i'd be better at. i often joke that the only time i get bossy is when i'm behind a camera; in those situations it's easy to have a vision and direct people accordingly. and it seems fun to work with model friends and be able to put them in creatively interesting shoots, rather than waiting around and hoping someone could do that for me. the thought of honing the skill is intimidating, though, particular being seen trying.
my fiancé's friends visited this weekend and we had a lot of great food and good wine. i was elated at how healthy i felt the whole weekend, namely in two aspects: i felt barely hungover at all, despite drinking a decent amount each night, when previously any amount of alcohol at all would leave me sick; and i felt almost completely zero amount of difficulty with any of the food we ate, when previously i was incredibly sensitive to tastes and textures. i was proud of myself for making so much progress that i was able to fully enjoy all the pleasures of the weekend. i also conquered at least two specific fears: eating raw fish, and eating fish with bones in it. we also had a cool bone marrow dish served in a halved bone, little tiny fancy delicate tacos, and a dozen other very delicious and strange foods.
yesterday i really didn't feel like going to the gym, but went anyway, and i felt really good about how i did. the weight i'm lifting is still increasing, and this time even though i'd been away from the gym due to my uti, i didn't have to start much lower like i do when coming back from something like a cold. i keep realizing that my impression of how much weight i'm lifting is totally off, because i'm lifting in kilograms when i'm used to thinking in pounds. so unbeknownst to me at the time, my 45kg romanian deadlifts were actually me moving 100 pounds. that sounds insane! i'm feeling much more confident in my form, and continue to see visual changes in my body. recently i noticed my arms actually do change in appearance when i flex them, even though i haven't even been targeting biceps at all. it's simply very very cool to see. it feels like cracking open a deep part of me that was convinced i couldn't effect any change in my life: this is a clear cut case of my body changing in response to the work i am putting in. i still can't quite believe it!
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