you only need one good photo from a photoshoot

not every photo from a photoshoot has to be fantastic, even and especially if the photoshoot is just to add to your modeling portfolio. you really only need one. 

i really enjoy modeling. as such, i haven't really made a significant effort to establish a portfolio or Do Modeling well, because i just do it for the love of the game and accept whatever opportunities i happen to get without putting much effort in. and thus far, that has worked! but i've also had dry spells where i've felt stuck and helpless because it felt like i could only model when someone else provided an opportunity to do so. 

recently i've been wanting to actually try—to really take a shot at developing my skills. not necessarily to try to build a successful career doing modeling, but at least to have skills i am proud of and can rely on, rather than being nervous and hoping i do well, without putting in the hours to actually get there. 

this means i've been thinking a lot about what successful modeling actually entails: what differentiates a successful photo from a non-successful photo? i'm not sure exactly what i even mean by "successful." it's different depending on the context, but i have a tentative sense of what images work and which don't, and what makes something like professional rather than amateur. in other words, what makes an image actually feel like something other than just "one person aimed a camera at another person," or "a person looking pretty in a pretty spot." there's more to it than that, and i'm on the hunt for identifying exactly what that is. 

to accomplish this, i've been observing and analyzing other images—bookmarking posts that have that "it" factor, as well as ones that seem to fall short, in order to identify patterns. i've also enjoyed seeing more experienced people online sharing thoughts about what makes an editorial image look "editorial," and what makes a successful portfolio image. 

one such thought was that you only add one image per photoshoot to your portfolio. adding more sends a negative signal as well as redundancy: it shows that you don't have enough work to fill a portfolio, or don't have the taste and sense to cull and cultivate your portfolio to a few strong images. 

this is kind of a new concept for me, and a helpful thing to learn before embarking on my first self-arranged photoshoot (other names for this sort of photoshoot are "TFP" or "time for prints," "collab," or "test shoot." each of these implies neither the model nor the photographer are being paid, and are working on the basis of the shoot being mutually beneficial to the portfolio of both or all involved). 

though part of me felt a lot of pressure to do well—as if my prospects as a model hinged on every single photo turning out well—keeping in mind that actually only one would ever be useful as a portfolio image helped to relieve some of that pressure. 

and really, i didn't need any of them to turn out well. before the shoot, i worried about the possibility that all the images would turn out poorly, and everyone would see that i'm a horrible model—until i realized that bad shoots don't even have to see the light of day if i don't want them to. the photographer can share them all they want, but i don't have to put anything on my page (or portfolio) if i don't like how it came out. if the whole shoot was a bust, oh well, i can do another. 

the only thing that well and truly mattered was morale. i had an inkling that if the shoot went poorly, my morale would take a big hit. i would question if i could ever be good enough, and would be at risk of giving up for good. 

as i primped and prepped for the shoot, however, i got a welcome wakeup call from my fiancé, who encouraged me to remember teenage me: how it felt to have creative little photoshoots just for fun, and how no one remembers the ones i didn't like, and sometimes i even created ones so successful they still hang on my parents fridge. his message was clear: it doesn't matter if this specific shoot is successfully "professional" or not, what matters is that i have fun and remember how much i enjoy the process in the first place. 

and i did! i had a lot of fun, and even wondered why it took me so long to do something like this in the first place. and i even got several very nice images out of it as well! the whole thing ended up being a major boon to morale, and i'm proud of myself for being brave. 

i finally ripped the bandaid off and had a photoshoot just for fun

i'm trying to learn from first principles what exactly makes a successful photo—specifically fashion, both editorial and lifestyle/commercial. unsurprisingly, actually doing the thing gave me much more information than simply pondering the thing without actually doing it. 

a few days ago, i messaged a hobbyist photographer on instagram—we'd connected previously at a public fashion show i was modeling in and he happened to wander past and take some photos of—and asked if he'd liked to do a photoshoot this weekend, just for fun. 

i've been meaning to do something like this for quite some time, but i always felt too scared. the prospect of both being amateurs, bumbling around trying to figure out what "modeling" and "photoshoot" even entails, felt intimidating and off-putting. but i finally got over myself and decided to just try it out and have a little fun. 

as we arrived at our first location, i immediately realized the crux of what makes a good photo: some sort of story. of course, that seems quite obvious, doesn't it? but it didn't really hit me, like really hit me, until i was standing in a beautiful subway station, artfully composed in the shot, only having practiced basic, can't-go-wrong poses in the mirror—the kind you'd see if you scroll any website showing posed models selling clothing items. 

this immediately struck me as silly, to pose like an e-comm model completely not interacting with the context i was placed in. but what should i do instead? what emotion would i be feeling in this setting? what's the angle? 

i had an urge to suggest a brief brainstorm, desperate for the photographer (or anyone) to just tell me what to do, and i'd do it. i resisted the urge. i decided instead to do it on my own, and be okay with feeling like i'm doing it poorly. to really wallow in the uncertainty, and see what came out. 

the result was positively not bad! i didn't aim to create any spectacular images, but i did have a few big things riding on the outcome of this shoot, namely: am i ugly and do i have what it takes? and i'd say the answers are a resounding no and yes, respectively. 

am i a once-in-lifetime, general talent with a natural knack for modeling that's so clear everyone and their uncle could see it? no. but do i have a small but steady inclination towards flattering poses and emotive expressions, that could definitely be nurtured into something reliable? absolutely! 

and yes, i somehow did have a whisper in the back of my mind that if i did a photoshoot, i would discover that my face, captured by a professional camera, is actually a horrid, wretched sight to behold—or maybe something less dramatic than that, that i'd discover i just don't have the face for modeling, even if it's a perfectly fine face otherwise. 

but i was quite frankly delighted with the resulting images. and i can see very clearly that some just didn't turn out flattering, but that that does not at all take away from the fact that i can produce successful images. 

other things i did well, that i previously agonized over: 

styling—i bought three new dresses yesterday (might write a whole post on that endeavor) and chose one for this shoot, adding a belt, heels, and gold hoops to make the hardware on the belt. the result was a great silhouette and enough accessories to not look bare. 

makeup—i swear i used to be good at makeup, but somewhere around 2016 when contouring first appeared, i slowly fell out of practice and stopped picking up new techniques. i don't know how to choose the right foundation color or lip color. but it ended up looking not too bad, and my face wasn't horribly mismatched with my body. 

nerves—i didn't mind too much that lots of people were around and watching. it perhaps hindered my creative risk-tolerance, landing me in the same few poses over and over again, but hey, at least i didn't feel cripplingly shy or have trouble doing those few poses well. 

(oh, and if you've been following along with my last couple posts where i talked about having a vision for this photoshoot: we did not end up doing that. i went with what the photographer was feeling, and styled my outfit accordingly, and i was happy with the results! i only wanted to follow through with my vision if i could really commit to it properly, which was not the vibe this time around, and that's totally fine.)

so i'd say this was a success. and not only that, it was quite fun and i would very much like to continue experimenting, and reach out to other photographers. 

a cropped portion of one of the images from today. i picked this one because i think i look pretty!

our going-away party

we're moving away in a couple weeks, so last night we had lots of friends over to celebrate our farewell. it was exactly as wonderful as we wanted: friends from multiple different contexts mingling together until the wee hours of the morn. 

most of our friends in berlin are twitter- or twitter-adjacent friends, but we also have friends from church and friends from my modeling escapades. until now, they've never really mixed. it was an absolute delight to introduce them to each other and later observe how they continued on independent conversations, finding new connections and enjoying the night. 

this was the second "house party" we've thrown, the first being our halloween party last year, which was also a raging success. one hit from the halloween party was showing movie clips of people's costumes on our projector, so if someone dressed as an obscure character, they could point at the relevant clip and explain their costume. 

we decided to modify that for this party too, and i put together a folder of photos of our memories in berlin, attempting to include one with every person who planned to attend, and played them as a slideshow on the projector throughout the party. it worked as intended, sparking conversation about the various memories, which helped us reconnect as we reminisced, and connect anew as new friends told stories of the memories to each other. 

i had intended to include another hit from the halloween party, our photobooth, but ran out of time and didn't feel like asking early guests to help set it up. this was fine from a vibe-perspective (it was nice having every in the same half of the apartment, scattered through the living room, balcony, hallway, and kitchen), but my only regret is that without the photobooth to remind us, we forgot to take photos with the friends who came! i took exactly one photo and one video during the party, which is certainly better than nothing, but it would have been great to have better photos of everyone too. we didn't even get a photo of my fiancé and i, looking quite lovely i might add! 

friends who hadn't seen our apartment before questioned, with mouths agape, why we would ever leave it. indeed, if we could pack it up in a giant box and move it to sweden with us, we would in a heartbeat! i'll miss the bright, towering windows, the impossibly spacious ceilings, and the cozy layout we put our hearts into. we hope we can pass it on the friends, if the giant landlord accepts our pleas. 

it was hard to see everyone together finally, knowing the very purpose of the gathering was to say goodbye. i couldn't believe how many kind, curious friends we had brought into our lives and our home in just one year of living here together. 

setting up for the party

the time for cowardice is yesterday

i have decided to stop being a coward about proactively modeling. by that i mean, i have set up a photoshoot this weekend, just for fun! i recently modeled in a photoshoot for a student designer, and i realized it was actually the first photoshoot i had done since 2022, which was when i first started modeling for real at all. and i have acknowledged that the only way to get better as a model is to do it more, including photoshoots, not just runway, but i knew that thus far, my cowardice has hindered me doing so. 

but i have a bit of momentum going right now, so i figured why not take advantage of it and set up a shoot while i feel like i can. the recent photoshoot was about three weeks ago, and around that time i decided i'd try and accomplish one modeling event per calendar month—while also acknowledging that that might now be frequent enough to keep the momentum going. the photoshoot was pretty inspiring, though, after i got over the initial feeling of "oh no, i'm bad at this." i am definitely an amateur, but who wouldn't be, after only one other photoshoot?! i could definitely see the potential in many of the photos, and also admit that the whole team was students, so our amateurishness all compounded together. 

i have a fashion show at the end of the month that's been scheduled for a while, and actually just today i booked one for next week, too. it's for another student fashion show, and i'd seen a couple student designers already looking for models, but they hadn't responded when i put my hat in the ring. however, just today i saw that the designer i did the photoshoot for was also looking for models for that show! i sent her a message and she ecstatically replied that that would be great, as i'd already know my outfit (though actually now that i think about it, she had put me in two different outfits, so i'm not sure which of those two it'll be, but i'm familiar with them both). 

so then i decided, what the heck, why not add another photoshoot while i'm at it? i sent a message to a photographer i'd met at a fashion show last year, who has previously offered to photograph any event of mine if i just let him know. he couldn't make it to my last show, and at the time i had proposed we do a photoshoot sometime for fun. i hadn't followed up though, until today. i realized i'm free this weekend and the weather will be nice, so i asked if he wanted to do a photoshoot with me. he said yes! then immediately asked if i knew any locations. 

i thought this might happen—i finally reach out to a photographer to do a photoshoot, and they have zero ideas and i have to do it all. the thing is, once i accepted this, i was actually quite excited about the prospect! i realized i do have locations i've been wanting to shoot in. i immediately started researching and putting together a pinterest board for my vision. i sent it to him within an hour. he then suggested another, very different location as well, which...didn't really fit my vision. but in that moment i realized that if it doesn't go well this weekend, i can actually be the one the organize and direct another photoshoot specifically tailored to my vision—i even have an idea of which model friends i'd ask to model for it. that's when i got really excited. so many people love to model (and i have so many friends who are great at it), it feels like a wide-open lane to actually come up with shoot ideas and provide opportunities for models, rather than wait around until one opens for myself. 

reading my old posts

after hitting 100 blogposts (and honestly after receiving an un-processably nice comment about my blog), i've been going back and reading my past posts. 

three things stood out to me. first, that none of the posts were as bad as i thought they were at the time. it's even kind of funny, because in several of them i talk about how bad previous posts felt and how down i got about how hard writing is and how impossible it is to ever make any sense. but for the most part i was perfectly sensible. at least, sensible enough! 

the second was that not only were none of them awful, some parts struck me as genuinely pretty good! i was shocked i had written them, to be quite frank. my perception of my writing as i write is that i overuse conjunctions, lean too much on passivity, and generally lack any real spark. but reading past posts, plucky verbs and unique turns-of-phrase abounded. i was very pleasantly surprised. 

the third thing that stuck out to me was all the little things i almost left out. i distinctly remember hemming and hawing about throwing in a passing description of something that happened—not because i wasn't sure it was worth saying, but specifically because i felt it was worth saying more about, and that i would be doing it injustice by just tossing it in and walking away. but some of those drive-bys reminded me of things i genuinely would have forgotten otherwise—especially little things about my fiancé, which also made my heart sing, that i had been able to capture here and there a glimpse of what makes him special. 

overall, i'm very proud of myself for what i have accomplished. i still get scared, i still feel hopeless, i still worry it's all for naught, but despite it all, i wrote and wrote and wrote. i'd like to keep going, as long as i can. i've been slacking a bit the past couple weeks, letting myself skip some days here and there, and i think that was the right call, but i think it's time to hunker down again and be strict about posting something daily. in the beginning i didn't want that to become a rule, but honestly as rules go it's a pretty good one. it keeps me in the habit at just the right frequency. 

one thing i'd like to keep in mind is to just get in there and start writing, and not pre-worry so much about knowing what to say. i'm always pleasantly surprised at how the way forward shows itself one stepping stone at a time, if only i can find the courage to start. 

a hodge podge of updates

i'm so tired today, and this weekend i didn't write many blogposts because we had friends visiting. things i want to write blogposts on are quickly outpacing the energy i have to write them, so i thought i'd jot down some of them briefly in case this is the only form they'll ever exist in. 

we just watched drive. it was the first time i'd seen it and i had no idea what to expect. much more intense than i expected, but a well-done movie with interesting characters. i liked one shot in particular that showed a character leaving, not by actually showing the character, but via a closeup of the main character's eyes following the leaving character back to his seat. watching the movie made me feel a particular kind of anxiety that has been creeping up recently, where watching intense things makes me worried we'll get mixed up in similar things in real life. i don't think this happened much before, but now that i have a fiancé, sometimes the stakes feel higher; i have more to lose, so things can be scarier. 

a few days ago we watched another ryan gosling movie: the most recent one, project hail mary. that was truly a knockout. expertly done, incredibly funny throughout, and with appropriately religious undertones for an easter release. watching it in english in a german theatre meant sometimes i was the only one laughing at minor quips, but thankfully i love to be a giving and easy-to-laugh audience. i'd definitely go see it again, and in fact the book version just came in the mail today and i will be reading it immediately. 

perfect timing, because i just finally finished reading "being wrong." it was very good, but i guess nonfiction just doesn't pull me in as much as fiction can, so it took me what felt like an eternity to finish. some nights i'd only read a single page, and then feel bad about that, until my fiancé would say something like, "you gotta read them eventually, and now you already have!" or something more inspiring, and i've probably butchered it, but it sticks with me now whenever i feel bad about how little progress i'm making on something. 

i got a uti for the first time in a few years and gosh, i forgot how awful they can be. the process of getting anti-biotics was a trip, but thankfully after two courses (the first wasn't enough), it seemed to be resolving. and just in time for my period to start! i shuddered at the thought of having to wear pads for a week after the irritation and pain the uti inflicted upon me, so i thought hey, why not try a menstrual disc (i've used disposable ones before, but this was my first time trying a reusable one). i also figured that i'm finally functional enough to try using a menstrual product that requires sterilizing in boiling water every cycle. for some reason, however, the one i got was a size medium, which was apparently the wrong choice. i inserted it, then immediately attempted removal just so i knew i could—and quickly realized i could not. discs, unlike menstrual cups, are to my knowledge not supposed to form a vacuum seal in the vaginal canal, they're just supposed to sit behind the pubic bone and be super easy to remove. but this one definitely seemed vacuum sealed inside of me. i could touch it, but any attempt to actually grab it was proving impossible. i would have immediately started panicking if my fiancé weren't right there with me. after several of my failed attempts, he offered to give it a go, and thankfully, gripped and removed it on the first try. it was one of those moments that made me thankful i found a partner who doesn't flinch at humanness, and would gladly remove foreign objects from my body, no matter how bloody. 

i'm gonna sandwich this in here and maybe no one will read it. what if i'd be much better at being behind the camera instead of in front of it? at the end of the day i really don't think i have what it takes to be a "successful," model, but i do just enjoy the process so much, it would be cool if i could find some other role i'd be better at. i often joke that the only time i get bossy is when i'm behind a camera; in those situations it's easy to have a vision and direct people accordingly. and it seems fun to work with model friends and be able to put them in creatively interesting shoots, rather than waiting around and hoping someone could do that for me. the thought of honing the skill is intimidating, though, particular being seen trying. 

my fiancé's friends visited this weekend and we had a lot of great food and good wine. i was elated at how healthy i felt the whole weekend, namely in two aspects: i felt barely hungover at all, despite drinking a decent amount each night, when previously any amount of alcohol at all would leave me sick; and i felt almost completely zero amount of difficulty with any of the food we ate, when previously i was incredibly sensitive to tastes and textures. i was proud of myself for making so much progress that i was able to fully enjoy all the pleasures of the weekend. i also conquered at least two specific fears: eating raw fish, and eating fish with bones in it. we also had a cool bone marrow dish served in a halved bone, little tiny fancy delicate tacos, and a dozen other very delicious and strange foods. 

yesterday i really didn't feel like going to the gym, but went anyway, and i felt really good about how i did. the weight i'm lifting is still increasing, and this time even though i'd been away from the gym due to my uti, i didn't have to start much lower like i do when coming back from something like a cold. i keep realizing that my impression of how much weight i'm lifting is totally off, because i'm lifting in kilograms when i'm used to thinking in pounds. so unbeknownst to me at the time, my 45kg romanian deadlifts were actually me moving 100 pounds. that sounds insane! i'm feeling much more confident in my form, and continue to see visual changes in my body. recently i noticed my arms actually do change in appearance when i flex them, even though i haven't even been targeting biceps at all. it's simply very very cool to see. it feels like cracking open a deep part of me that was convinced i couldn't effect any change in my life: this is a clear cut case of my body changing in response to the work i am putting in. i still can't quite believe it! 

the region beta paradox of enjoying your beloved's company

my fiancé and i realized lately that we can accidentally go weeks without doing any big fun thing, or even something smaller like going out to a restaurant or going to the movie theatre. part of this, we agreed, was that we have so much fun just living our boring, everyday lives together, that we forget to want anything more. 

the funny thing, though, is sometimes this means a bit of sadness or insecurity or anxiety sneaks in undetected, and we're likely to attribute it to something bigger than just "we haven't seen our friends in a while." (i noticed a version of this when i was single, though i, uncharacteristically i might add, cannot seem to locate the tweet in which i described the phenomenon, where i noticed that whenever i was feeling insecure, i tried to mentally replace it with "i am in need of connection/community," and it seemed to work quite well). 

thus the region beta paradox of enjoying your beloved's company: if we were less happy at home, we'd perhaps be more likely to seek out bigger fun stuff outside of the home; but we're so happy at home, we can forget to do bigger fun things, and then end up experiencing negative feelings almost unbeknownst to us. 

at the end of the day, it's not a huge deal, and i'd much rather totally forget that other fun things exist than to need them at all costs in order to escape an unhappy home. but it's an interesting thing to ponder, and a reminder that things can be a complex mix of positives and negatives. and that  even when you meet your soulmate, you still might have to put in some effort in order to ensure you're both living as happily and healthily as you can—which includes remembering that friends and restaurants and concerts and movies exist.